Solutions for Marital Problems
Hope for Your Marriage
Chapter One of the Book
Help for Relationship Blockers
John Eckenwiler has appeared twice on "The Balancing Act" on the Lifetime TV Network
John talks about his book and the 3 key elements to marital success
John answer's questions from the audience the 2nd.
A LASTING MARRIAGE FOUNDATION
You and I are surrounded by people who get married and start out with a weak foundation. Jesus said to build your house on the rock and the troubles of life will not be able to destroy your house. To shatterproof your marriage, you must build a foundation that lasts. This is done by making sure the three marital shatterproofing elements described in the book are present.
In chemistry, an element cannot be reduced any further and still maintain its properties. In life, there are 3 core elements that, for all practical purposes, make your life shatterproof. When applied to marriage, they provide a foundation that proves to be absolutely invincible. I encourage you to learn these inside and out, making the pursuit of them a lifelong process. Rooted in Christian teaching, these elements are supported by tons of research and, well, just make total sense.
Element 1: The Right Character
The character you bring into your marriage sets you up to succeed or fail before you even get started. It is common for married couples to come into my counseling office and expect me to dive right in and fix things right away. Give them a couple tools, tell them what the problem is and how to go home and make things better. Blaming and finger-pointing is also something I have to contend with, day in and day out. But if you don't have the character to use the tools well, they are worthless to you.
By far, the vast majority of people have not examined themselves well enough to see how their personal character impacts everything that goes on in their marriage. The right character includes appropriate expectations of your partner, a healthy sense of what real love is about, values that are based on things that are lasting, a personality that makes it a habit to rise to the occasion under adversity and is willing - no, eager - to take an honest look at yourself every day.
Element 2: The Right Kind of Love
Unconditional love gives your marriage the structural integrity it has to have if it is going to be shatterproof. It’s easy to say that you should love unconditionally, but it is an entirely different matter to understand just how this is done. Marriage is full of hazardous conditions – both present and future – that make this marital "property" essential. Without it, your marriage might perform just fine under ideal conditions, but when an unexpected severe test comes your way, the strength of your bond is torn to shreds. You have to understand what the properties of unconditional love are in detailed terms. Then your love will be the real McCoy instead of some substitute that does not hold up when times get tough.
No one would disagree that unconditional love is powerful, but few people really know how to do it or can muster what it takes when it counts the most. Aren't there "exceptions" in marriage? Or does unconditional mean just that? Additionally, this kind of love will affect your ability to meet life's challenges in ways that most people do not realize. Rather than being too quick to assume you know what there is to know about this, it is critical to become a "resident expert" at your house on the subject.
- Element 3: The Right Spirit
Element #3 is special because it can do lots of things when combined with the other elements. Its properties include the ability to communicate well, address stress, sort through problems, identify problems in the marriage and get rid of power struggles. Without the first two elements, the right personal character and the right kind of love, this element has no real effect. You can do a great job of getting your point across, or be extra insightful about why a problem exists, but by themselves they do nothing to keep your marriage safe from everything. You must have the spirit of wanting things to work instead of being preoccupied with your anger or discouragement. Your goal must be to make every argument a win/win.
Overuse of tools and techniques is also dangerous. In today’s culture of quick-fixes and TV therapists who have great style, it can be easy to rely too heavily on techniques. Through the years, I have seen people with great relationship skills who have the wrong spirit about them. For a long time I couldn’t put my finger on just what it was exactly. We could have great discussions in marriage counseling sessions, but then when it came time to end with a solution, things would fall flat on their face. I realized some people don’t have a spirit of wanting solutions that has the greater good of the marriage at its core. Once you realize that is what is going on, it is easy to identify.
Wanting solutions enables you to rise above all sorts of things in your marriage!
Order the book "Shatterproof Your Marriage" Here!
Shatterproof your Marriage - What Makes Couples Want to Give Up and How to Prevent it.
a book John Eckenwiler, LMFT- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Approved
Supervisor, AAMFT, a Member of the Colorado Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and
The
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
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© 2008 Shatterproof Your Marriage - John Eckenwiler, LMFT
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