Solutions for Marital Problems
Hope for Your Marriage
Chapter One of the Book
Help for Relationship Blockers
John Eckenwiler has appeared twice on "The Balancing Act" on the Lifetime TV Network
John talks about his book and the 3 key elements to marital success
John answer's questions from the audience the 2nd.
READ CHAPTER 1 - HOPE FOR YOUR MARRIAGEI have been a marriage therapist for well over 20 years. I've seen countless couples in impossible situations --- affairs, drugs, horrible illness, unemployment, crisis with a child, you name it and I have probably seen it. I have not encountered one situation that was truly impossible for the marriage. The human spirit is incredibly resilient. God's power is exponentially more powerful. Whatever your situation, you CAN make it work
I hope you will make time to read this chapter. It can give you hope where there is none. Following is the entire chapter one of the book. I hope it blesses you in some way.
See Opportunity in Adversity
"Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it goes away."
Mark Twain
Your life is now.
Every moment of your life is a new opportunity to be better than you were. Your attitude, outlook and the way you relate to everything around you defines who you are. Some of these moments are big ones; most are small and happen often, even minute to minute. What you do with these moments speaks volumes about you. They say who you really are and how much strength of character you have. In other words, the way you respond to life’s defining moments tells the rest of the world, and more importantly you, what kind of character you have.
Marriage tests your character every day. Your marriage could be unhappy and full of problems, or it might be sailing along smoothly. Your contribution might be highly noticeable or the routine of life may cover up how you are living your married life. But I guarantee you, even a quiet lack of action speaks volumes about your personal character. Element #1 is about having the right personal character. That starts long before you are married and is not confined just to your marriage once you are.
Stan and Marsha can tell you all about how important this first element is in marriage. Both in their second marriages, they had been married for 11 years and raised the young children from their previous marriages together. It was not without an occasional bump, but overall life had gone along very well. They became empty nesters at a relatively young age, and decided it was time to have some real fun together. They planned trips, had cocktails in the hot tub, and basically did whatever they felt like doing whenever they wanted to do it. Every weekend they looked forward to drinking beers and getting pretty tipsy, since they never drank during the child-rearing years. One night Marsha had perhaps one too many, and she unleashed an explosive fit on Stan. This was highly uncharacteristic for her. Then it happened the next week, and then again the next. Marsha insisted she had no idea why she would do such a thing, alchohol or not.
After several counseling visits, she discovered that she was angry and resentful at Stan over the way he overlooked some outrageous behaviors of his 20-year old daughter. Among other things, she lied and stole money from them. Upon further exploration, Stan had a horrible childhood. The family moved an average of four times a year all through elementary school. He wanted so badly for his daughter to have everything he did not have, he raised her to be spoiled and unprepared to have to work for things. Marsha did not agree with this approach, but her earlier experiences with conflict made her shy away from any big disagreement. She became convinced that Stan, being so sensitive about his daughter, would blow up at her if she even voiced honest feelings.
You see, both of these partners shyed away from uncomfortable situations for years and it was finally catching up with them. Their avoidance turned into a unique kind of dance in their marriage, producing some habits that were very destructive and hard to break. What was needed was for both to step up and bring a stronger character to their marriage. Stan had to face the anxiety of letting his daughter fall on her face since she would not listen to him. Marsha had to face her fear of Stan and speak with honesty to him. They had reached a huge defining moment in their marriage. It could have been avoided if they had responded to all the small, daily defining moments during all those child-rearing years.
There are tons of real-life marriage examples in this book. Before we get too deep into them, this chapter challenges you to start looking at you. What kind of person are you bringing to the marriage? Are you tough, or would you just rather avoid adversity? At the end of the chapter, you will have an opportunity to take inventory of your own personal character within your marriage. If you don’t start there, all the "get well quick" ideas in other marriage books don’t mean a thing.
Key Attitude: See opportunity in adversity and expect positive things. Some people call life’s defining moments "growth opportunities". We find them in every part of your life, not just in your marriage. To bring the right character into your marriage, you have to be facing adversity in every other part of your life – your job, friendships, driving on the highway, in the retail store. We all know people who are a breath of fresh air everywhere they go. Maybe you’re one of them. But I haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t have some areas of personal weakness, and that’s where strength of character becomes most important.
There are all kinds of techniques, gimmicks, tools, therapy, and self-help materials to make you a better person, marriage partner, public speaker, employee, parent, and so on. You might even get pretty good at building your skills and this may serve you quite well. But how many stories have we heard of accomplished doctors who see their patients only in scientific terms, and the cures involved something deeper and more intangible? There is more to you than just the sum of your abilities.
Back in 1991 I was working in central Florida and worked 20 hours a week on the cancer ward of a general hospital. My job was to offer support and counseling to any cancer patient who was interested. I also visited a couple outpatient oncologist offices daily, making my "rounds" for support counseling. One day a patient wanted to see me who had advanced bone cancer and was in chronic pain, and it was there all day every day. She wanted help coping with her pain. Up to this point, her doctor had been prescribing pain medication but it was not working as well as she wished. I spent some time getting to know Martha, especially some of the biggest disappointments and stresses in her life. One thing became clear in talking with her: She had been used to being self-sufficient and highly independent. Her illness and pain was an enormous barrier to this. That day I asked Martha to focus on some of the strengths she already had. We spent a lot of time talking about the power of her subconscious mind, and I told her she had more control than she gave herself credit for. I shared with her a story of how a woman named Wanda had similar pain and she had learned that no one could be perfectly self-sufficient. So Martha was receiving two messages – she can feel reassured things are okay despite the pain and absolute self-sufficiency is impossible so don’t want it so badly. This was all communicated in a hypnosis session, which enabled us to access her subconscious thoughts.
Our session ended, she thanked me, and we went about our days. The next week I saw her in the office again, and she reported to me that she had no pain for a week! None at all! She had confirmed, verified bone cancer throughout her body. Well, I didn’t see her for 3 or 4 months, so when I did I was interested to see how long this lasted before the pain returned. The pain never did return! Was it really my incredible talent? No, not at all. Martha’s cancer was a major defining moment in her life and she had become stuck. With some help, she was able to adopt a new, healthier view of herself and life that even eliminated physical pain. Before that, she and everyone around her were blind to what the real problem was. She had a heart that was open to new ideas, changed her view of life and began to live differently.
A similar thing happened to the apostle Paul when he converted to Christianity. Only this involved God moving directly in his life. He was threatening and murdering Christians after the rulers of the day ordered Jesus crucified. As he was traveling and gathering up Christians, a bright light flashed around him and God asked him why he was persecuting God. Paul was then literally blind for three days until Ananias laid his hands on him. God filled him with his spirit that day and the Bible says that something like scales fell from his eyes. He could finally see clearly – not only physical things but also who God was and what life was really about. God will enable you to navigate through life’s defining moments, but you have to want it.
These examples tell one simple truth. It’s your attitude, as seen in your actions – or lack of them – that make you and your marriage what they are. The only way to have a shatterproof marriage is to consider a major attitude adjustment and put it into action. The fact is, if you believe in God and get to know him, your overall view of life comes into focus. You realize that giving more than you receive in life always results in something greater than you.
Your heart is the truest measure of who you really are. Years of doing marriage therapy with a variety of people has shown me without any doubt that we are all basically the same despite some obvious differences. You are unique yet you are no different from me. You are unique in your life experiences, cultural values, ethnic background, skin color, financial status, religious beliefs and political views. Those things are important for us to consider when working out differences. Yet there is one primary thing that enables people to overcome any marital challenge: The amount of "heart" they have based on their strength of character. You could be Hispanic, African-American or Caucasian, but how you respond to problems is the key no matter who you are.1 I’ll share some valuable marriage tools later, but they just don’t work without this ingredient. I have had numerous marriage-counseling clients who became quite skilled with some communication tools and anger management techniques. But when their defining moments come up at home, the skills don’t get applied. Their view of life is wrong. Sometimes paying therapy clients do not do homework assignments even when they agree it would make a huge difference. There’s an attitude there that is sometimes hard to get to and is hard to quantify, but it makes all the difference.
Key Attitude: All things are possible. I am a big Saturday afternoon college football fan. Have you ever wondered how teams with great talent get beat by teams that are obviously weaker? I have! Don’t they want to win? I’ve wondered this for years and had discussions about it with lots of people. Finally I asked a friend of mine who played football at Auburn University back in the early 70’s. I asked him why he thought this was such a common thing in football. His answer is the only answer that has ever made sense, "What sets one team apart from another is how much heart they have. They are comprised of individual players with all kinds of heart." He should know. He is only about 5’11" and had to play against much bigger players as a lineman! To this day, he holds some athletic records in Alabama. When things get tough, you can give in or refuse to give in.
Later in the book I’ll share some valuable tools for your marriage, but without heart they won’t go very far. Proverbs 4:23 says to "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life". If you and your spouse work at growing a big heart patterned after the character of God your marriage will endure anything.
Defining moments always involve some kind of choice. Sometimes it’s the choice to learn a lesson or it could be a choice about what to do next. These choices often happen when faced with some kind of adversity. But even your successes are defining moments, for it’s also what you do with success that reveals your true character. If you don’t develop strong character out of your successes, how can you hope to be prepared when bad things happen? Some people gloat, get cocky or don’t remember where blessings really come from. The fact is, any earthly blessing can be taken away in an instant. There are thousands of hurricane victims from New Orleans who can testify to that. If you don’t acknowledge where your blessings come from, you may not have the heart to "answer the bell" when those tough times come. The Bible tells us that every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from God.2
Christopher Reeve (the actor who played Superman) was on top of his acting career when he suffered a life-changing horse riding accident. He was strong, good-looking, athletic and becoming increasingly popular as an actor. The accident paralyzed him and he never did regain his ability to move. This whole period in his life became one big defining moment. There were also a bunch of small ones daily. Like it or not, he had to make a choice, then keep making that choice every day. Choose either to become a cripple and approach each day like one, or choose to use this situation as an opportunity for another day of life fully lived. He not only maintained his marriage with a beautiful young wife, but he even continued doing some work in the movie industry! He became an inspiration to people with all sorts of debilitating conditions. One thing is sure – Reeve did not live a life without character before the accident and his earlier movie success did not go to his head. Otherwise he would have been unprepared to rise above his situation once his big moment of truth arrived.
Dr. Bernie Siegel, a well-known oncologist who gives hope to his patients in addition to medical treatment, puts it this way in reference to terminal cancer patients. "Even if what you most hope for – a complete cure – doesn’t come to pass, the hope itself can sustain you to accomplish many things in the meantime. Refusal to hope is nothing more than a decision to die."3 Is this just another appeal to think positive or does a big heart – proven character – make a measurable difference in your life? It has actually been shown that positive and negative expectation have opposite effects on the amounts of cortisol and prolactin in your blood. These are the hormones most important for activating your immune system.4 That can and often does fight off cancer cells!
What do you suppose might happen if you applied this attitude to your marriage? Don’t you think marriages develop cancers too? By believing some incredible things might be possible, you are strengthening the immune system of your marriage.
Key Attitude: Be willing to face the pain. Children who are resilient under adverse conditions come from families that define expectations clearly about life and go after them in positive ways.5 Positive expectation is the result of character strength. Your character grows one choice at a time with all the opportunities life gives you. Just think what is possible if you apply this to every area of your life!
This may sound inspirational, and it should, but most of us are tempted to take the easy road when life wants a piece of us. Oftentimes, we’d rather avoid the issue, give in to our impatience, rationalize why something isn’t fair, allow a situation to stay mediocre, insist on life meeting our rigid expectations, get carried away with our egos, not allow our comfort zone to be stretched. But if you want true character, you must be ready to face some pain. The key point here?
Don’t run from uncomfortable things. Instead, face them with courage and address them openly. Think about the things in your marriage that cause the most pain. Write them down, then talk openly with your partner about them. Listen to your partner about his or her pain. This might be painful, but it’s like cleaning a wound. Take the pain!
Key attitude: It is important to look at yourself honestly. If someone asked to describe your comfort zone honestly in every major part of life, could you do it? When do your responses start to become less consistent and predictable – and helpful – in your job? When the company pressures you to get results despite what it does to people, do you give in to the pressure instead of what your heart tells you is right? If your marriage partner is too confrontational for you to be comfortable, do you just retreat into yourself? Life is just full of encounters that test us for who we are. A later chapter will explore how we develop some of our attitude and behavior habits so you can see more specifically what your comfort zones are. Once you’re more aware of them you will be better able to stretch them in defining moments.
There are two roads to building character. There are shortcuts and there are established, reliable routes. Shortcuts are great, but when they backfire it can create a real mess. The shortcut is actually easy at first and gives the illusion you are getting somewhere fast, but it isn’t long before people sometimes realize it was a mistake. It’s full of bumps, curves and often gets you lost. Sometimes you might even get lucky and get where you want to go. But in the case of character development, shortcuts always end up a dead-end.
Avoiding pain and discomfort simply postpones the inevitable. An athlete who doesn’t train enough eventually has to face the consequences of his inaction. Then when it’s time to compete, he stands no chance against his opponent. A football team that loses the first couple games due to poor conditioning has then dug itself a hole. So just doing the necessary work ahead of time makes more sense and in the long run leads to maximum success.
Every time you miss an opportunity to let a situation build up your character, your character begins to atrophy. God wants you to have character that you pattern after Him. He created you this way, and if you live selfishly and only for the moment it damages your ability to think with a godly perspective. If this goes on long enough your heart turns selfish. Selfishness gets us nowhere, then we begin to lose hope. Once hope is lost, there won’t be any positive expectation when adversity comes. It really comes down to knowing the right thing but not doing it.
Instinctively, we know whether something is right or wrong, constructive or destructive. The Bible says that some unbelievers knew instinctively what God said was the right thing to do, that it was written in their hearts. Furthermore, their own conscience confirmed this to them and the thoughts filling their minds show where their heart really is.6 If you choose to respond to small adversities by serving primarily yourself, they add up. You develop mental, behavior and even emotional habits based on this kind of heart.
If only we would believe that great and "impossible" things are possible! History is full of one example after another that should convince us to pursue character with every fiber of our being. Facing our biggest fears and pains lead to great things! People have survived incredibly threatening situations by keeping their wits about them and believing they could. They faced their own fears, self-doubts and tendency to get tired and give up.
In 1992, Colby Coombs was on vacation with friends in Alaska. At 25, he was highly experienced as a climber. They were trying to establish a new route up Mount Foraker, a 17,400-foot mountain. A storm moved in, creating an avalanche. Knocked unconscious, Colby woke up six hours later to find both his friends dead. He broke his shoulder, ankle and two vertebrae in his neck. It took him four days just to work his way back down the mountain. He reports the only way to do this was to ignore the pain. Then he had to hike five miles to find help.7
History is also full of examples illustrating how many of us don’t rise to the occasion when faced with challenges. How many of those people can you name? Who has written a book about medical patients who give up, die prematurely and become famous for it? No one. Thousands of years ago, God’s people continued in their unbelief despite all kinds of signs God had done in their midst.8 We’ve all heard of Solomon, King David and Samson – but no one knows the names of any of those other people. History is overflowing with examples of the power of belief. Jesus was talking with a family who had an epileptic boy (or perhaps an evil spirit?). The family asked Jesus to please help them "if he can". This floored Jesus, who told them "All things are possible to him who believes". If you believe, and if you believe in the power of God, there just isn't anything in the universe that can stand in your way.9
I blew out my knee several years ago and had to have ACL surgery. Like any major surgery, the pain afterwards is pretty unbelievable. But the doctors wanted me rehabbing within the first 24 hours, starting with the smallest of tasks. During the several months of this process I encountered many other people going through the same rehabilitation. It was amazing to me how many people refused to face the pain and consequently did not make much progress. I met people who had been rehabbing for a year who could only bend their knee halfway!
Don’t let that happen to your marriage. Rise above the culture of mediocrity. If I have convinced you that you want to be more than you have been in your marriage, the first step to take is to assess just how big the job is going to be. If it’s a big job, don’t lose heart! The rest of this book will show you how to change all that. Take the following inventory, answering the questions with as much honesty as you can. If you have a good score, this book will be a refresher and an encouragement. If your score is not so good, prepare yourself for an exciting journey of growth and blessing that will come out of some important changes in your life.
Marital Heart Meter
©
Think about how consistently you live with the following attitudes in your marriage. Answer each question with a "1, 2, 3, or 4". Your answers should be the same as if you included situations outside your marriage (such as work relationships and friendships). If they are different, ask yourself why (this could be important). Be as honest as you can with yourself.
HOW MUCH I THINK AND ACT THIS WAY
1 2 3 4
Usually like me Somewhat like me Somewhat unlike me Usually unlike me
_____ 1. I think there is opportunity in adversity and positive things can come from it.
_____ 2. I look at myself honestly on a daily basis to consider any changes I need to make.
_____ 3. I am good at knowing what my emotions are and am in control of them at all times.
_____ 4. I love with little thought to what I am going to get out of it.
_____ 5. I think of others before myself as a matter of habit in any kind of situation.
_____ 6. I make a conscious effort to consider the thoughts and feelings of others in all my interactions.
_____ 7. Having put thought into it, I know the difference between my wants and needs in my relationships.
_____ 8. When it really comes down to it, life owes me very little and I am truly entitled to very few things.
_____ 9. I am comfortable admitting when I am wrong and apologize.
_____ 10. I accept my partner fully, faults and all.
_____ 11. I am quick to compromise when it will solve a problem.
_____ 12. I take the time to do the things most people would rather not have to do, even if I get no recognition for it.
_____ 13. I am open and honest at all times with my partner, including my thoughts, intentions and feelings.
_____ 14. I want to know the truth about myself, measuring that against what God expects of me.
_____ 15. I have taken the time out to learn how God thinks and have worked at making that the way I think.
_____ 16. My life clearly reflects lots of time and energy invested in making my marriage everything it can be.
_____ 17. I know what it would take to make me want to give up with some things in my marriage and have found ways to keep making a
positive effort anyway.
_____ 18. I have learned to accept the things in life that I cannot change, and apply this in my marriage.
_____ 19. I give my partner the benefit of the doubt, even during the hardest of times.
_____ 20. Setbacks and failures in my marriage relationship do not alter my behavior significantly.
_____ TOTAL SCORE
Scoring
Add up your score for all the questions and put your total score above.
20-25 Exceptionally Tough Heart. Though not many, some situations will still be
challenging. Those should be your focus. Few people have hearts this tough.
26-32 Strong Heart. You have mostly strengths. You could have one or two major weaknesses that lead to big
relationship problems. You have a very good foundation from which to build. A minority of people have hearts this
strong.
33-39 Average Heart. You have many definite strengths, but your heart needs to be strengthened considerably in key
areas. Under the best of circumstances, you could go for a long time without serious problems. But with
adversity, you will likely have a tough time navigating through it without contributing to the problem yourself. Your
marriage has definite chinks in its armor and could be uprooted with certain challenges of life. The majority of
people have these hearts.
40-48 Unconditioned Heart. Your heart has atrophied in at least a couple very important ways, leaving you with clear
weaknesses that could result in disaster. You are not able to withstand the rigors of any major tests to the heart of
your marriage. Your condition is urgent.
49-80 High Risk Heart. This range represents a serious condition that requires immediate, emergency attention. There are a
large number of habits and attitudes that must change for your marriage to have much chance of long-term
success.
I know what you are thinking. The "grading scale" is too tough, you say. But think about it. Which one of these characteristics could you be weak in during a major life crisis and still be okay? Jerry and Liz can certainly relate. They were a very well-educated couple who were considering marriage. They were caring, considerate and mature people in their early 30’s. But they kept having arguments over what they called silly things, and just could not understand why. Rightly so, they were concerned that maybe marriage would not be a good idea. It turns out one of the biggest bones of contention was that Jerry, who was very sociable and outgoing, became frustrated with Liz because she did not act like the life of the party at social gatherings. Liz was actually very charming and warm, just not particularly outgoing. They were stuck on #10 of the Marital Heart Meter! After lots of work, Jerry just could not accept Liz for who she was. She finally got tired of it and took a job transfer out of state. That’s the end of their story. Just think if they had gotten married and Jerry would not accept her for who she is! It was a huge character weakness on his part.
And remember: The bigger the crisis the bigger your strengths have to be. Did you know that there is an annual marathon run at Mount Everest? The start of the race is at 17,000 feet! Even pretty well-conditioned athletes begin to stagger at 14,000 feet because of the thin air – and that is just from walking! Marriage can be and often is a tough thing. It’s for life. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can make it to the finish line without lots of serious preparation. You will find yourself "dropping out" of the race well before it’s over. No one wants to start something they can’t finish. With adequate preparation, however, others have shown us we are capable of some incredible things.
Simply put, it’s the size of your heart that counts. You have to believe that defining moments come your way every day, and that rising to the occasion each and every time does make a difference. Admit the fact you really do have choices every day. Be honest about what those choices are. As we were raising our kids, my wife constantly asked our kids what kind of people they wanted to be. Not what kind of work they wanted to do, but what kind of people they wanted to be. I saw a couple on the verge of divorce because the stepdaughter was becoming too frustrating for Joan, the stepmother. Joan was becoming mean and it was breaking up the marriage. Then one day she came in and all was good again. I couldn’t believe it. So I asked her what in the world happened. Her answer? "John, I realized I didn’t want to be that kind of person, so I stopped behaving that way." It was just that simple!
I hope that by now you are encouraged to "sign up for the race" and begin training no matter what your score is. If your score was above average, it is still important to examine every last aspect of yourself and eliminate any possible weakness. If your score was below average, begin with those areas that seem to cause the most distress. Even a small improvement in just one area can set in motion a series of very positive changes. After completing the book, answer these questions again to see if you have made some changes. Use these questions to set some long-range goals for yourself.
There are many more attitudes shared in this book. A summary of them, including the primary Element to which they correspond, can be found in the Summary and Conclusion at the end of the book. This vital first element – personal character – must never be taken too lightly. Don’t give in to the doldrums of habit. Decide today to do whatever it takes to "be all you can be". Then, and only then, will you begin the journey toward having the heart of a shatterproof marriage.
Attitudes in Action
Attitude: See opportunity in adversity and expect positive things.
What are the biggest defining moments that you still encounter in your life? What about in your marriage? Identify at least 3 of each and discuss them as a couple. Include in your discussion how you need to handle these defining moments for your marriage to be at its strongest.
Attitude: It’s important to look at yourself honestly.
What would others say is your biggest character strength and your biggest character weakness (you can use the Marital Heart Meter if necessary to give you ideas)? How do you see them getting expressed in your marriage? Discuss these with your partner, committing to specific action steps for any improvements needed.
3. Attitude: It’s important to look at yourself honestly.
Talk to your partner about your score on the Marital Heart Meter. Commit to him or her to make daily efforts on strengthening your heart in marriage. If you dare, ask your partner if he or she would give you a different score on any of the items. Listen with an open mind and use this feedback to give you more direction as you work through the material of this book.
Attitude: Be willing to face pain
What kinds of painful experiences do you avoid the most in life and in marriage? Discuss with your partner what you can both do differently to help face these situations when they come up?
Attitude: All things are possible.
What kinds of things in your life discourage you and challenge your belief that things can be better? In your marriage? What do you need to do to have a different attitude? How can you act on this change? Share your answers with your partner.
Order the book "Shatterproof Your Marriage" Here!
Shatterproof your Marriage - What Makes Couples Want to Give Up and How to Prevent it.
a book John Eckenwiler, LMFT- Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor LMFC
Approved
Supervisor, AAMFT, a Member of the Colorado Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and
The
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
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© 2008 Shatterproof Your Marriage - John Eckenwiler, LMFT
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