Solutions for Marital Problems
Hope for Your Marriage
Chapter One of the Book
Help for Relationship Blockers
John Eckenwiler has appeared twice on "The Balancing Act" on the Lifetime TV Network
John talks about his book and the 3 key elements to marital success
John answer's questions from the audience the 2nd.
MOOD DISORDERS AND MARRIAGE
I want to share some personal thoughts about a research article written in late 2007. The article was written by Ty Tashiro and Patricia Frazier, and was titled "The Causal Effects of Emotion on Couples' Cognition and Behavior" (Journal of Counseling Psychology, v54 n4 p409-422 Oct 2007).
The point of the research was to find out if negative emotions resulted in maladaptive (destructive) thoughts and demand-withdraw behaviors. In other words, did behaviors become more demanding or withdrawing, both of which are not helpful? Likewise, did positive emotions do the opposite? Was there less demanding and withdrawal, and also less negative thinking toward partners when emotions were more positive. Results of the study suggest that is exactly what happens. If your emotions are pleasant, positive or even neutral, you get better responses!
Duh! We know that intuitively, don't we? Don't we? If we do, how come we find all kinds of reasons to defend our "frustration"? Mainly because we are so convinced we are right about something, something has "gone on long enough", or we were clearly wronged. It's only human to get frustrated, right? I have actually had counseling clients act surprised when I told them it is possible to be angry without showing such negative emotion. Some people don't know how this is even possible.
What is the emotional tone in your marriage when things are quite going your way today? "Venting" negative emotions is just plain unattractive. I'm guilty of it, aren't you? Some people do this more than others. The more you do it, the more YOU are producing a negative reaction from your partner. Does that take away your partner's responsibility to control his or her response? No, but don't you want more than just a controlled response? If you are showing negative emotions, your partner cannot keep from being affected negatively somehow by it.
I won't go through an exhaustive list of how to keep your emotional tone positive (that's what the book is for), but let me share a few of the main things here. First and maybe foremost, keep your body language under control. This alone can lead to all sorts of relationship problems. Keep your voice tone calm, don't clench your teeth, watch things like rolling of the eyes, be aware of any body language that changes when you're upset. Hand movements, tenseness in movements, that kind of thing. If you are having trouble with controlling any of these things, work on different techniques to diffuse your emotion before it reaches this point. Excuse yourself (temporarily), count to ten in your head, anything you can do to buy yourself some cool-down time. Then examine the kinds of wording you use, the actual things you say and screen it for softness and diplomacy. Do you sometimes get to that point where you're just not very diplomatic anymore with your partner? Well, that's a problem. I'm not saying you won't slip up, but when you do, own up to it as YOUR problem. Be sure you are showing acceptance, support, encouragement and genuine warmth. If you can't do that, it's time for a gut check of your own.
Folks, I find that whatever I "vent" is going to determine feeling that way even more. If I vent negative stuff, I feel even worse and that affects everyone around me. If I vent positively, using proper self-control and diplomacy, and don't overdo it, I am able to feel better and let the bad feelings go. It's the difference between seeing the silver lining of hope from condemnation and hopelessness. Which of those do you want your partner to direct toward you? The fact is, the article referenced above is a classic reason couples get into power struggles and never get out of them. The negativity spirals downward and out of control. Element #3 of shatterproof living is having the right spirit to look for solutions, not dwell on the negative. Do you believe solutions are possible with your partner? If not, that's a massive problem and you should be discussing this with your partner. The issue(s) that upset you are irrelevant until you do this. If you do believe solutions are possible, remind yourself of that, keep your emotions in line with this belief and focus the conversation on what will fix things instead of what bothers you so much.
Keep the emotional tone in your marriage positive no matter what is going on.
Disagree with something said? Did something here encourage you, or do you have your own experience to share with the topic material?
E-mail me here.
Order the book "Shatterproof Your Marriage" Here!
Shatterproof your Marriage - What Makes Couples Want to Give Up and How to Prevent it.
a book John Eckenwiler, LMFT- Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor LMFC
Approved
Supervisor, AAMFT, a Member of the Colorado Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and
The
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
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© 2008 Shatterproof Your Marriage - John Eckenwiler, LMFT
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