Solutions for Marital Problems
Hope for Your Marriage
Chapter One of the Book
Help for Relationship Blockers
John Eckenwiler has appeared twice on "The Balancing Act" on the Lifetime TV Network
John talks about his book and the 3 key elements to marital success
John answer's questions from the audience the 2nd.
SOLUTIONS FOR COMMON MARITAL PROBLEMSRelationship problems are a lot like people -- two are never exactly the same. But, like people, there are some things that are the same. Below, I have included a few of the problems that a lot of people seem to experience, and share an idea or two to get you thinking outside the box. Just click on the topic that interests you.
- Ice cold silence
- Confusing tension you can't talk about
- Selfishness in your partner
- Financial impulsiveness or irresponsibility
- Mean, rude or abusive behavior
- Heavy drinking, then mean or rude behavior
- Excessive criticism
- Missing sexual intimacy
- Loss of passion or romance
- No time to get everything done
- Mood swings
- Constant bickering or arguing
- Lack of partnership
- Can't agree on parenting
- Can't agree on parenting step-children
- Avoiding conflict
- Dealing with an affair
- Controlling behavior
- Over-reactions to a problem
Don't see a problem of interest listed here? E-mail your request to me.
ICE COLD SILENCE
Some couples go for hours, days and even weeks not speaking. The main reason is that you are upset at your partner and can't talk about it without being nasty or want to punish him or her. The first element of a shatterproof marriage requires you to have more character than that. The second requires you to let go of your hurt feelings and do the caring thing. Punishing your partner only invites him or her to give it right back to you. The courageous, and mature, thing to do is initiate breaking the silence. Tell your partner you don't want things to be this way and that you want to find a solution (which is element 3). Then --- and this is most important --- begin acting normally. Don't allow your partner's silence to alter your behavior! Tell your partner (calmly and in a matter-of-fact manner) that when he or she is ready to deal with the issue in a mature manner you are ready. Silence is a quiet but potent relationship killer, so don't be a part of it.
CONFUSING TENSION YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT
Is there an 800 pound gorilla in the room, but no one talks about it? You may or may not know what the issue is, but the issue needs to be discussed. This is a dangerous problem to ignore for very long. The problem is, you don't know quite what the gorilla is doing to your relationship. A good place to start here is to identify when you first noticed it. If you can identify a likely cause of the tension, ask your partner directly if you can talk about it. If you are unsure, tell your partner when you first noticed it, describing the exact behaviors that are different (facial tension, conversations drifting off, etc.). Make a clear distinction between how things are with no tension and now. The more concrete you are, the harder it will be for your partner to squirm out of addressing it. If the tension exists because you are afraid to talk for fear of the response you get, that is what you should be discussing.
SELFISHNESS IN YOUR PARTNER
If your partner has been selfish in certain ways for a while now, you should first look at how well you have "trained" him or her to continue being like this. Have you picked up the slack? If so, stop doing that, and also tell your partner you are going to be different. Secondly, have you tried to understand your partner's point of view? There could be a chance that you perceive the behavior as selfish when it isn't. If it is clear he or she is truly being selfish, it is important to express why it bothers you exactly the way it does, and what the emotions are that go with that. Share specifically what behavior you want instead of the selfish behavior, being clear and concrete. If your partner is still selfish, rather than fight or try to control the behavior, put your partner on notice that this will affect your relationship and explain how. Then you will have to apply element 2 in a big way, loving unconditionally and enduring your disappointment. Remember that Jesus endured your selfishness by giving himself up on the cross.
FINANCIAL IMPULSIVENESS OR IRRESPONSIBILITY
Like so many issues, you have to establish what your common ground is. Do you agree that spending habits could, and should, be better? If not, stop there and explore why you don't agree. Determine what the consequence is for the current spending habits. You may be spending more than you have, barely breaking even, or are not making any progress with saving or investing. Explain your thoughts and feelings about why this kind of spending is a problem for you. Be specific! Agree on a plan for monitoring your spending more closely. If this has already been tried, it may be necessary for one partner to take more control of finances than before. We live in an age of online credit cards, banking etc. Use this to monitor daily activity. Have a clear budget you agree to follow. If you try all these things and your partner continues spending outside of what you agreed upon, this makes the problem much more serious. Deception and/or unwillingness to work as a team are serious marital issues and will lead to divorce if not corrected. Confront your partner if this is the case, find a way to monitor activity closely, and insist on counseling if this does not work.
MEAN, RUDE OR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
There are some behaviors that are just not acceptable. No matter how "justified" you think you are. Believe it or not, it IS possible to be angry without being rude or aggressive. If that is a surprise to you, do some reading or talk to someone about how this is done. Learn what the specific behaviors are that are unacceptable, whether you are on the giving or receiving end. A few examples of unacceptable behavior are name-calling, showing disrespect, putting your partner down, physical aggression of any kind, intimidation, cursing at your partner, embarrassing your partner, intentionally hurting the other person's feelings and being harsh. This behavior destroys relationships. Tell your partner what specific behaviors are just not okay, and insist that he or she take full responsibility for it. Don't accept excuses for it. Do not feel like you have to explain yourself or engage in discussions that involve this kind of behavior. Disengage until your partner is willing to take full responsibility for it and behave appropriately.
HEAVY DRINKING, THEN MEAN OR RUDE BEHAVIOR
Determine first what the real issue is for you --- the drinking or the mean behavior. If it is drinking, be sure you can verbalize in concrete terms why is it a problem. Is it because one of your parents drank and made life miserable for you? Is it because you think it is teaching the children the wrong thing? Be clear. If it is the mean behavior that bothers you more, describe the behavior(s) down to the last detail. Explain how these behaviors are different from when your partner is not drinking. Put the challenge to your partner to behave differently when drinking, and get him/her to agree to stop drinking if this is not possible. If your partner denies that the behavior even happens, there is a much bigger problem. This shows your partner is insensitive to your perceptions and feelings. That has to become the most important issue for discussion. If your partner can't or won't stop the drinking despite it causing problems, and won't get help, that tells you what is more important to him or her. You may have to put your partner on notice that your relationship will be changed (in a negative way) because of this denial --- i.e. you won't be close, you will have to re-evaluate your outlook about the marriage, etc.
EXCESSIVE CRITICISM
Being critical is a symptom of several things. A critical person is impatient, intolerant, unaccepting and controlling. This could be caused by being under outside stress, being fatigued, it could be a bad habit, a learned behavior from childhood, an overreaction to a legitimate complaint or a sign of unresolved personal issues. Whatever the reason, it is NEVER constructive or excusable. If you are the recipient of this, be careful yourself not to be overly sensitive to any and all suggestions that you have faults. Be reasonable yourself. Be open to constructive criticism. The way you know whether it is constructive is how sensitively it is presented and if it is asking you to change your personality or not. Personality differences require effort on both sides to meet in the middle, but only in the middle! You should not have to just change who you are. Be sure your partner understands fully what it feels like for you to be criticized. Challenge him or her to be responsible for patience, self-control and acceptance. If your partner has spiritual convictions, appeal to those convictions so you are getting to the heart of the problem, not just the outward behavior. Refuse to be apologetic for being who you are.
MISSING OR POOR SEXUAL INTIMACY
An unhappy sex life is almost always a reflection of other relationship problems. That's the place to start. How satisfied is each of you in the overall relationship? If there are some things between you that keep from being close, those things must be addressed. And BOTH partner must listen to the concerns of the other! As for the sexual relationship itself, many couples struggle to talk about it openly. You really need to be able to do this --- after all, you're married so this should not be an off-limits topic. Tell each other how frequently you want sex and see how far apart you are. If necessary, find an amount in the middle somewhere. You should also accept the fact that people have a unique sexual "style", such as showing lots of passion, being forward, etc. Don't expect your partner to be someone he or she is not. And remember that marital sex is supposed to be an expression of your relationship, not just a physical release. Tell each other specific things you like with sex, and commit to each other to try to please your partner (within your comfortable style). Finally, low libido can be caused by many different things besides relationship problems. Medications, certain medical conditions, aging, stress to name a few. If you think there is a possibility of any of these, consult with your physician to rule out other possible causes.
LOSS OF PASSION OR ROMANCE
I hear this a lot in my office. How you define your terms is important with this issue. What do you mean by "passion" or "romance" or "being in love"? I often hear, "I love her but I'm not IN love with her". Couples divorce over this issue. I devote the entire middle part of the book (Element #2) to this one. But a few words of advice here. Don't rely on your feelings to determine your opinion of the marriage. Feelings are fickle. Relationship magic is addictive and seductive and powerful, but it is not to be counted on. Relationships evolve over time, and feelings follow not too far behind. That is normal. Does that mean there isn't anything you can do to "get those feelings back"? Not entirely. Try remembering things you liked to do together and do them again. Remember how you used to act and act that way again. Take time for yourselves to have dates. Be creative. Surprise your partner. Break out of your routine and do something unusual. Make that a lifestyle change. Give yourself unconditionally to your partner. Talk to each other about both of you doing that. And remember: Unconditional love is more powerful, lasting and rare than passion could ever be in the grand scheme of things. Pursue that and learn to let go of unrealistic expectations.
NO TIME TO GET EVERYTHING DONE
Being too busy takes a huge toll on you and your marriage. Having kids is a typical reason people get too busy, but focusing too much on work, hobbies or anything else can be the problem. We live in an age where taking the kids everywhere they want to go is the number one rule in the house. This is a mistake. The marriage is, and should be, the number one priority in a family. Even a step-family! All family members should also be expected to pitch in with enough age-appropriate help and cooperation. The wife and mother should not have to do everything. I suggest you sit down and identify your top 3-5 priorities in your life. What gets in the way of putting enough energy into them? Some things you truly can't change, but many you can. Question how necessary your present way of doing things is. Get commitments from everyone to help solve the time crunch by pitching in and making some adjustments.
MOOD SWINGS
This is a very complicated issue. Unfortunately, doctors and therapists have been quick to diagnose serious mood disorders in recent years. There is definitely a time and place for this, and for psychotropic medication. It has been shown that true mood disorders can be hereditary and that medications are vital in the right situations. But I find that all too often, diagnosed mood disorders are actually situational or temporary. If you or your partner have mood swings, rule out as many things as you can before assuming it requires medical attention. Examine sources and severity of stress, the effect of unresolved relationship or personal issues, rest patterns and eating habits. Also explore the history of the problem -- when it started, was there anything going on then that changed your mood experiences, is there anything that would point to situational explanations? I suggest you examine four areas: Your expectations and thoughts that reinforce your moods, your stress levels, reactions from habits developed since childhood and any anger or fear that you are holding onto. If one of these seems more relevant than the others, concentrate on that to address your moods. Talk it through with your partner. Come up with a new way of doing things that could have a positive impact on the mood.
CONSTANT BICKERING OR ARGUING
Constant arguing usually ends up with both of you developing some bad communication habits -- both verbal and non-verbal. Negative body language is a huge one to fix. That includes eye rolling, lip curling, frowns, being huffy, jerky hand motions, tense tones of voice, unfinished sentences, to name a few. Identify specific body language and point it out to your partner when it happens. Tell your partner how it affects you and ask politely for different behavior. Other bad communication habits include unwillingness to listen, bringing up the past without looking for solutions, mind-reading, interrupting, blaming, rudeness, elevated voices and refusal to talk things through calmly. The key to end the arguing is to take responsibility for your own behavior and do nothing to contribute to bad communication. Refuse to react. Identify what happens when you first start to argue and plan ahead of time to something to interrupt it (i.e. take a time out and say nothing for 30 seconds).
LACK OF PARTNERSHIP
The first thing to do here is determine if this problem is intentional or not. There may be some kind of unresolved issue that makes your partner prefer to keep distance. If it is not intentional, it is very common for people to have different desire for closeness and connection. Another thing you must do is find out if your partner even feels the way you do. He or she may have different definitions for what closeness is. Explore how you define closeness --- what behaviors are going on when you feel close. If your definitions differ, then you both will have to make some accommodations for the other person's style. If it's neither of these reasons, and you both feel the lack of partnership, make a list of those things you would be doing that would show you both you are behaving like partners. If it's affection, explore that. If it's teamwork, discuss that. Then look at what is preventing it from happening. Is it lack of time, laziness, long work hours, etc. Then make a plan to begin making changes this week.
CAN'T AGREE ON PARENTING
This is a huge one, is extremely common and often leads to animosity and, ultimately, divorce. The most common situation is when one parent has trouble saying "no" to the kids and the other parent is more concerned with limits and responsibility. I can just about guarantee you that you are polarizing each other. By that I mean that you both go to extremes with your style in order to counter-balance the other person. The first thing you MUST do is stop and admit to yourselves you are doing that. Neither extreme is helpful! Refuse to allow yourself to be reactive to the other person. But you both must be willing to do that. If either of you cannot keep your personal tendency in check and have a balance of limits AND flexibility, that is your problem, not your partner's. Look at your own urges to parent rigidly (even constant leniency is a rigid approach).
And secondly, buy a good book or two on parenting. Both of you should read it and discuss a chapter a week to begin implementing changes. If nothing works, seek counseling for the sake of your children.
CAN'T AGREE ON PARENTING STEP-CHILDREN
First of all, every step-parent should read anything written by Emily Visher. She is a pioneer in this area. I still believe the primary relationship in a stepfamily is the marriage. This is tricky since not all the kids at home are yours biologically. The kids must be expected to respect the new marital relationship. If they are not, and working with them as a united front does not work, they may need professional help. Likewise, parents must recognize that the older the child, the more respectful the parent must be of the child's point of view about parenting. Assuming that a 16-year old will instantly accept your discipline, for example, is completely unreasonable. It is very important that you define parental roles at home, show respect to the children at all times as you ease into these roles (regardless of age) and include the children in activities that help you re-define yourselves as a family. As a couple, talk privately about how your styles have been similar or differed from each other, and how this may lead to problems. Be proactive about determining exactly how you will integrate your styles and what the children are used to. Have family meetings regularly to review how everyone is feeling. Establish the rule up front that everyone is encouraged to be honest with each other.
AVOIDING CONFLICT
There are two main reasons why someone avoids conflict: Experiences from earlier in life or more recent ones. Ask your partner what it is about you that he or she prefers to avoid when conflict arises. Once this is identified, you both have to assess how fair and realistic this is. For example, being afraid of your disapproval is not a legitimate reason to avoid conflict, but being afraid of your raising your voice and yelling is fair (if that is actually what you do). If you raised your voice two years ago and not since, then avoiding conflict now is a bit of an overreaction. The key here is to get to the bottom of the person's fears. If they are based on behaviors you need to change, then you have your work cut out for you. If the fears are based on anything else, the partner avoiding the conflict must be willing to admit this and work on controlling the fear. Ask what you can do to be of help. By all means, this problem is critical and potentially very costly. It's healthy for every relationship to have some conflict. It's how you have conflict that counts.
DEALING WITH AN AFFAIR
From the Bible's point of view, the victim of an affair is free to leave the relationship. But it is not mandatory, and I know many people who have repaired the damage done from an affair and even grew a stronger relationship than ever. Folks, the key is this: The person who committed the affair has to be able to identify his or her personal traits that led to an affair and change those traits. It could have been unrealistic expectations, over-indulgence of hormones, an unwillingness to leave instead of having an affair, problems with being too controlling or too passive, or any other number of reasons. But ALL the reasons have to be clearly identified and fixed. If anything short of this takes place, another affair is very possible. A highly recommended self-help book is After the Affair by Janis Abrams Spring.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Overly controlling other people and life circumstances typically has a couple main beliefs driving the behavior. These beliefs are formed earlier in life and are the result of your temperament, family upbringing and earlier life experiences. What's the upshot of the controlling behavior? In other words, what is the underlying intent, point and/or message of it? Is it saying such things as,
"You don't do things right"
"I'm frustrated about life"
"Nothing good will happen unless I make it happen"
"I don't accept you for who you are"Whatever it is, try to get to the root belief behind the behavior. Talk about it if you can. When all else fails, you have to determine where your personal limits are, and calmly enforce those limits. If you don't know how to do this, read up on "personal boundaries" and even codependence. Calmly tell your partner that his or her controlling behavior will not be permitted and it will only be destructive to your emotional and physical intimacy.
OVER-REACTIONS TO A PROBLEM
Over-reacting to problems is almost certainly the result of pent-up feelings that have not been spoken or resolved. It's best if you can the your partner to calm down and tell you in detail what he or she feels and thinks about the problem. What exactly are the feelings --- i.e. rejection, fear, feeling disrespected, etc.? The more descriptive your partner can be here the better. If your partner has a small vocabulary for feelings, this is part of the problem. Help your partner put words to feelings, and ask him or her for permission to do so. Also, what are the actual thoughts? These are the viewpoints, opinions, interpretations and reasons why the issue is so important. The thoughts are what create the feelings. Read the chapters on communication in Shatterproof Your Marriage for details about this. Get your partner to see that over-reacting does not help, it only serves to make matters worse. Ask what needs to happen to start feeling better, then agree on a plan that includes you both working together for a solution.
Order the book "Shatterproof Your Marriage" Here!
Shatterproof your Marriage - What Makes Couples Want to Give Up and How to Prevent it.
a book John Eckenwiler, LMFT- Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor LMFC
Approved
Supervisor, AAMFT, a Member of the Colorado Association of Marriage and Family Therapy and
The
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
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© 2008 Shatterproof Your Marriage - John Eckenwiler, LMFT
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